anxiety… woohoo

Anxiety: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune

This is what comes up when the word anxiety is put into the dictionary.com. I looked at that defiinition and boy that is just the beginning of what it really means. It the most the annoying thing in the world! It is also something that tries to crush and defeat you. I do have anxiety. It has been with me since I was at least 5 yrs old. When I first got it I could work myself up so bad and worry that I could get myself sick. As the years have gone past it has slowly gotten better. Recently I have gotten a stomach ache that told me that I was worrying. I knew that I wasnt sick. As I sat thinking about the stomach ache the worst it got. There were only a few people that saw me in that state. They were very helpful to get me through those few days.

I was thinking these past few days while not feeling good that I cant run away from the pain. I have to get through the days and push through. I cant run away because if I run away it means that the anxiety has defeated me. I want to defeat this once and for all. I want to be free from its curse! I just want to be free and be able to live my life the way I want to live it for God.

new semester, new thoughts, new experiences…

Ah its good to be back at school after being home for 3 weeks. As I have been at home I have thought about how this semester is going to be different then last semester. My brother is no longer here to keep an eye on me… IM FREE!!!! j/k I loved having him here. Helpful beyond belief.

And since I have gotten back I have started talking to different people one in particular. They are all different and its good for me to get other opinions and thoughts on things that not many people know about. As Im getting to know one esp. its different cause they are actually interested with how I feel and is willing to listen. I have met people where they will listen but they dont show any interest. This is the fastest in my life that I have gotten a little trust of that person. Since my past I have always taken months upon months to actually let my walls down. I believe whole heartedly that the people I have talked to this year have been brought into my life to get me past my storms in my life. I cant express how its been and I try to shrug off all of the feelings but it doesnt work… I try to ignore them but its easier said then done. But thank you to all of you cause you know who Im talking about.

real life…

So as I have been home this break from school  I have been reconnecting with old friends to see if those friendships havent changed, I think about those friends that I have but havent met in real life. I think about how blest I am to have those friends.  Many of them care about my mental state of being. I hear many times that they are wondering if Im alright. I have noticed that while I have gotten to know these wonderful people that they have honed into my typing and how I type as to what mood Im in. Its like they know me better then the people who know me in person. As the months and the years go past the closer I get to wanting to met these people in person.  I hope that those people know that I care for them greatly and that one day we will meet and it will be one of my best days.

Christmas Break…

At last the time has come to go home for 3 weeks see friends, spend time with family, work and just unwind after the semester. Im headed home tonight for a very long 3 weeks. I will be able to get together with friends and see if those friendships have changed or not. It will be there time to prove to me that nothing at all has changed. We will have to see what happens. It will be easy since I only will be working 2 days a week.

Its also time to spend with your family. As the time goes by my family is getting more more close knit then I can even imagine. It will be good for me to see my family and just hang out with them.

Im hopeing that this break will be renewal for me and that I can refocus on God.

cold weather, warm hearts!

So this weekend we were put in a blizzard watch and then it turned into a warning.  Well this morning I woke up and had to go to church. I checked the weather and it was -11 and windchill -34. Its a 3-4 block walk so its not that bad. But when you wake up and it has been snowing and the wind has been blowing you seriously think about going outside. My brother called and I got up and started putting on layers. I wore 2 socks, 2 pants, t-shirt, long sleeve, sweatshirt and a jacket. I also had a headband on and wrapped a scarf around my head so only my eyes were showing. And I was also wearing gloves/mittens.

Church went well and had lunch. Then we headed off back to the dorms. I got back and was putting pictures on my computer. When all of a sudden my phone vibrated. My phone showed that Danike was calling me. Now that was not expected. She called me to tell me that she was standing outside in the cold weather. She was waiting… I was able to talk to her. It has been a very long time since I had talked to her. It made my afternoon to be able to talk to her. But we ended up getting back on the subject of the cold weather. It might have been because she was standing outside and I was looking outside. Danike is one of few people that I talk to online and over the phone that I would love to be able to meet in person. She is one godly woman that has a lot of advice. Im glad that she is one that I can talk to and feel comfortable.

The cold weather got heated out of my body by one little phone call.

finals and not feeling well…

So as the semester comes to a close everyone knows that it has to end with finals. I dont think anyone likes to take them but it is mandatory. So I have had a rather easy semester and so my finals arent that bad. I only have three left and I already have taken one. So I have one today for Spanish at 1. And its cumulative. Whoopee! But my other finals are done on Tuesday and I have to stay here until Saturday morning. My family is coming up on Thursday afternoon to see my brother and I in our city band concert and then go to Jonathans graduation ceremony. But those three days of doing nothing will give me plenty of time to spend time in my bible. And since I will be done I will be able to head home for a glorious 3 weeks and work at Walgreens once again. Hopefully I wont be on cash register.

As finals have approached the sickness sets in. That and while I was back home for our churches Christmas pageant my dad was sick and I think I caught what he had. And everyday waking up I have been feeling worse. So hopefully this weekend I can get rid of it. If not I will be sleeping a lot after my finals are over.

3 days…

So last weekend I went home for Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful weekend. We travel in the evening both nights which was fine with me. Wednesday I was able to stay up until 2am talking with my dad about things that had been bothering me, which was fun and helpful. I got to see my cat and he put up with me picking him up ten thousand times that weekend. We went to church on Thanksgiving. And Friday I was able to spend the night with the old JN group. It was a lot of fun seeing people I hadnt seen for up to 2 years. And being able to talk to them with just pure joy of talking was really nice. Our family didnt have Thanksgiving dinner until Saturday cause my mom and brother had been working on Thanksgiving. Saturday night we went over to some friends house and there was a 21 month old girl there and lets just say she tired me out before I tired her out. And then of course we had a Christmas pageant rehearsal on Sunday afternoon.

We have the pageant in 3 days. Friday night, Saturday afternoon and night, and Sunday morning and afternoon. If you didnt count that is 5 performances. Im so excited to go home once again and doing the pageant. I actually have a part in it even though its little. Im still happy that I can do something. That and I get to be in the catwalk of my church.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well Im sitting in my room waiting for my brother to be done with his class/test/guest speaker. When he is done we are on our way home. I cant wait. I know we wont get home until late since we arent leaving for awhile. But this weekend I hope you all have a good time with families and eating turkey. I hope that you have many things for being thankful for this year. I know I am. I will update when I get back either Sunday night or Monday afternoon.

one class and waiting…

So tomorrow I get to head home for the weekend. That means I wont be online at all from tomorrow night at 6 until Sunday night at 11 or later. I have one class tomorrow morning and then I have to wait 6 hours for my brother to be done with his classes until we finally get on the road for home. I dont think this weekend will be too busy. It will be a good time for me to clear my head and finally do what I need to do. I just need to finally give everything over and not argue about anything. Or even getting into something to keep my mind busy.

I get to help my mom bake for our Thanksgiving dinner. We are having ours on Saturday night and hopefully our neighbors will be joining us and maybe even get to play risk like old times. Im hoping that we can. And then Friday night hanging out with the old gang of JN. That should be fun to catch up with all of my old friends that I havent seen for a very long time or even talking… And then Christmas Pageant rehearsal on Sunday and maybe I can have a part in it.

Going home will hopefully be a good dose for me!

Home…

What a wonderful word. Home is where you feel comfortable and loved. I went home last weekend for a marching band concert. It was good to leave the campus and see my old friends. Going home in the past hasnt been up to my expectations. I have gone and wanted to get together with people or already made plans to hang out with them but something comes up. Boy Im sick of that phrase. But me being older and having to make friends with people younger then me me senior year in high school and then have to leave is hard. Most of them are still in high school and I talk to them over the internet and of course the phone. But for me that isnt the same. I want to have that for sure feeling that while Im off at school I can come back and things wont be different. That they will be like if I didnt leave. I just have to be caught up on life down there. I was shown with one of my friends that what I wanted to happen did. I went home and got together with her and we talked for a good 3 hours like I had never left. I think that friendship will last for my lifetime.

Im headed home this weekend for Thanksgiving. I know I will be spending a lot of time at home which will be good. But Friday night will be a great time seeing old friends and just hanging out!