anxiety… woohoo

Anxiety: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune

This is what comes up when the word anxiety is put into the dictionary.com. I looked at that defiinition and boy that is just the beginning of what it really means. It the most the annoying thing in the world! It is also something that tries to crush and defeat you. I do have anxiety. It has been with me since I was at least 5 yrs old. When I first got it I could work myself up so bad and worry that I could get myself sick. As the years have gone past it has slowly gotten better. Recently I have gotten a stomach ache that told me that I was worrying. I knew that I wasnt sick. As I sat thinking about the stomach ache the worst it got. There were only a few people that saw me in that state. They were very helpful to get me through those few days.

I was thinking these past few days while not feeling good that I cant run away from the pain. I have to get through the days and push through. I cant run away because if I run away it means that the anxiety has defeated me. I want to defeat this once and for all. I want to be free from its curse! I just want to be free and be able to live my life the way I want to live it for God.

new semester, new thoughts, new experiences…

Ah its good to be back at school after being home for 3 weeks. As I have been at home I have thought about how this semester is going to be different then last semester. My brother is no longer here to keep an eye on me… IM FREE!!!! j/k I loved having him here. Helpful beyond belief.

And since I have gotten back I have started talking to different people one in particular. They are all different and its good for me to get other opinions and thoughts on things that not many people know about. As Im getting to know one esp. its different cause they are actually interested with how I feel and is willing to listen. I have met people where they will listen but they dont show any interest. This is the fastest in my life that I have gotten a little trust of that person. Since my past I have always taken months upon months to actually let my walls down. I believe whole heartedly that the people I have talked to this year have been brought into my life to get me past my storms in my life. I cant express how its been and I try to shrug off all of the feelings but it doesnt work… I try to ignore them but its easier said then done. But thank you to all of you cause you know who Im talking about.

real life…

So as I have been home this break from school  I have been reconnecting with old friends to see if those friendships havent changed, I think about those friends that I have but havent met in real life. I think about how blest I am to have those friends.  Many of them care about my mental state of being. I hear many times that they are wondering if Im alright. I have noticed that while I have gotten to know these wonderful people that they have honed into my typing and how I type as to what mood Im in. Its like they know me better then the people who know me in person. As the months and the years go past the closer I get to wanting to met these people in person.  I hope that those people know that I care for them greatly and that one day we will meet and it will be one of my best days.